As a die-hard Baltimore Ravens fan, certainly Id like to ease into a 5-year, 40-million dollar deal with my boys in purple (though blue better complements my skin tone). Adidas Superstar Cheap China . The club has a need at starting left tackle — with Eugene Monroe potentially on the move — and the entire offensive line is in disarray. Still, I tell myself, Ive got to stay open to possibilities. So Ive hired an agent. He keeps insisting hes not the type of agent Im seeking, and really wants me to check out a fully furnished 2-bedroom condo he wont stop talking about. His name is Gary Maguire and theres just something exciting about him. Maybe its the crazy look in his eyes. Maybe its that he keeps repeating "help me, help you". Whatever it is, he really gets me: Maguire: You dont look like an NFL player.Gallay: I get that a lot.Maguire: Not sure youre even muscular enough to be an NFL fan.Gallay: Im going to put my clothes back on.Maguire: Shouldnt you declare for the draft first—not free agency?Gallay: Theres too much running at the Scouting Combine. Not my strong suit.Maguire: So how am I going to pitch you to NFL front offices? What are your skills?Gallay: Im tenacious. Im focused. I cant catch a football, but I can clumsily swat at other people playing football. My wife says Im in the way a lot, so I plan on using that to my advantage. Im also dangerously delusional. (I hand him a doctors note.)Maguire: Fine. Ive seen more done with less. Lets talk staging. After discussing mortgage pre-approval for some reason, he and I come up with a plan. He explains to me how most NFL offensive linemen are well over six feet tall, roughly 300-350 pounds, a decade younger than me, and likely had a successful college career followed by some prior success in the NFL. I explain to him that Im not like other people. We settle on agreeing Im a maverick and get to work. "First, you need to put on 165 pounds." I tell him no problem, I did it once, I can do it again. He advises me Ill have to do it in under 35 years this time. Ideally hed like me to hit the target weight by mid-afternoon. Im on it, I holler, through large bites of tofurkey. He stops me as I head towards the bathroom, reminding me I cant afford to lose any weight today. "Next, you need to grow five inches, possibly seven." I explain to him that my whole allure is quarterbacks will have no problem seeing over top of me. Of the other significant O-line free agents, Branden Albert is 65. So is Eugene Monroe. And Rodger Saffold. Jared Veldheer is 68! My shortness and poor posture is EXACTLY how Im gonna differentiate myself from those terrifying brutes! Maguire is unconvinced, so I grudgingly step into the medieval stretching machine he found on Kijiji. It smells of pine wood and suffering, which Im told is exactly what Vince Lombardis station wagon smelled like. "Your hands are too small. Left tackles have huge mitts." Thats the least of my worries, I explain, as I wrap 50 yards of tape to my left hand. Well just tell coaches I have a sprained thumb and I should be better in 2-4 years. Everyone in the NFL is nursing an injury. Shows Im tough. "What about your embarrassing lack of football knowledge and acumen? You just called a touchdown a Pass-The-Liney-Scorey." Ill give it to Maguire, hes asking all the right questions. I explain how I consume 8 hours of NFL Network every day, a claim which seems to impress him. Also, Im able to name four other offensive linemen, none of them John Madden, which is more than 98% of football fans. (To be fair, since nobody knows their names, Maguire cant verify if Richie Incognito is an actual human being.) "Last thing. What do we do about your, um, advanced age?" No problem, I tell him. Im going to change my name to Stanislav Gomez, a young Cuban defector. (I figure if Oscar Isaac, a multi-talented Cuban-Guatemalan, can play a spot-on pasty neurotic Jew in Inside Llewyn Davis, surely I can do the opposite.) We both nod in unison, followed by an enthusiastic slow clap. Time to show me the money, Maguire. He advises me to not say anything else until Ive contacted a copyright attorney. And here we are, Tuesday, March 11, the opening salvo for NFL free agency. I see that Alterraun Verner my fellow hot commodity free agent has been tweeting bible verses to me (and all his followers) for the past several hours. My Verner Mountain Dog, what a joker! Gosh, I hope we land on the same team. Anyway, I better tweet him back before he gets worried. Also, I better get some rest (Im super fat now). Whatever happens, Im not worried. Its like my dad has always told me, worst comes to worst you fall back on your education. Thank goodness I got that Division I degree in sports anthropology. (Maguire knows a guy who knows a guy who is gonna get me a diploma.) Gonna be a big year. Gallays Poll #2 Which situation would be the best fit for Gallay? a) A multi-year deal with his favourite organization, the Baltimore Ravens (said every Steeler fan).b) Drawing five-pointed stars hoping the Devil shows up offering a deal.c) Pulling out of free agency until 2015 to realize all his goals in intramural soccer baseball.d) Discussing his dosage level with a trained professional. Adidas Superstar Clearance Sale . - The Seattle Sounders busy off-season continues with the team acquiring defender Chad Marshall from the Columbus Crew in exchange for a 2015 third-round pick and allocation money. Adidas Superstar Wholesale . - The situation looked bleak at best for the coach Doc Rivers Clippers — down by four points with 18 seconds left in the fourth quarter. http://www.cheapsuperstar.net/ . And he said Sunday that players believe nobody in Sterlings family should be able to own the Los Angeles Clippers if hes gone. Chelsea qualified for the final 16 of the Champions League despite losing again to Basel. AC Milan and Arsenal won, but did not yet advance. Mohamed Salahs late goal Tuesday earned Basel a 1-0 win and a second straight Group E victory over the 2012 champions. But Chelsea is guaranteed a top-two finish after Schalke drew with Steaua Bucharest. Milan cruised past Celtic 3-0, but needs a point against Ajax in its last match after the Dutch side upset already-qualified Barcelona 2-1 to keep alive its hopes. It was the first loss for Barca after a 25-game unbeaten streak dating back to last Mays loss to Bayern Munich in the Champions League semifinals. Arsenal also requires another point after beating Marseille 2-0 in Group F. Napoli lost 3-1 to Borussia Dortmund to leave both teams three points behind the English side. Chelsea sailed through its group with three straight victories since opening up with a 2-1 home loss to Basel. It knew a point would be enough to advance and that appeared to hold back manager Jose Mourinhos team, which failed to have a shot on goal before Salah sprinted clear of Chelseas defence to clip a left-footed shot over advancing keeper Petr Cech in the 87th minute. "I did not like anything from the first minute," Mourinho said. "A bad performance, a deserved defeat. But because of other results, we qualify. Mourinhos team joined Barcelona, Bayern Munich, Manchester City and Atletico Madrid in the round of 16. "That is the only positive thing from this night." As the holder, Chelsea failed to reach the knockout stage last year, albeit from a much harder group than this season. Arsenal finishes group play against Napoli and will advance for the 14th straight season by avoiding a three-goal defeat in Italy. "Its an interesting one, a difficult one, but we have played other difficult games away from home against difficult opponents and have done well, so thats what we have to put in our mind," Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger said. In Group G, Zenit St. Petersburg and FC Poorto were left to compete for the second qualification spot behind Atletico after both earned 1-1 draws. Buy Cheap Adidas Superstars. Zenit relied on a 74th-minute own goal by Atletico defender Toby Alderweireld to hold the Spanish side in Russia and stayed a point ahead of Porto, which also scored a second-half equalizer, by Jackson Martinez, to draw with Austria Vienna. Six months after losing to Bayern in the final, Dortmund wouldnt have gotten out of its group if it had lost to Napoli. But Marco Reus penalty kick and scored by Jakub Blaszczykowski and Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang revived the German sides hopes. "It was a match to remember," Dortmund coach Juergen Klopp said. Dortmund completes the group with a trip to Marseille, which is seeking to avoid a sixth straight defeat after falling at Arsenal courtesy of goals by Jack Wilshere. His first came after just 29 seconds before adding another in the 65th minute. It will be a winner-takes-all match at the San Siro in two weeks as Milans victory in Glasgow was matched by Ajaxs surprise triumph over Barca. Kaka and Cristian Zapata pounced on poor defending of corner kicks by Celtic to score in the 13th and 49th minutes for Milan. Italy striker Mario Balotelli wrapped up victory in the 59th. Meanwhile, Barcelonas unbeaten run finally came to an end in Amsterdam. Ajax took a two-goal lead by halftime on goals by Thulani Serero and Danny Hoesen, but was forced to hang on for the three points after Joel Veltman was sent off for bringing down Neymar in the area, earning Barcelona a penalty kick. Xavi Hernandez calmly converted it. "You can only dream about this," Hoesen said. "They are probably the best team in the world and to be able to score the winning goal is amazing." Barca was missing the injured Lionel Messi and fielded a makeshift backline with fullbacks Jordi Alba and Dani Alves and goalkeeper Victor Valdes also absent. The Champions League resumes Wednesday, when Real Madrid, Paris Saint-Germain and Manchester United all can qualify. ' ' '